Why Labels Aren’t the Problem…. Expectations Are

We’ve made “situationships” the villain, like the lack of a label, is the thing causing all the pain.

But here’s the truth:
It’s not the absence of a label that hurts.
It’s the unspoken expectations sitting quietly underneath it.

We’re told that labels bring clarity.
“Are we dating?”
“Is this exclusive?”
“What are we?”

But what we’re really asking is:
“Can I feel safe here?”

Instead of pausing to ask ourselves what we truly need — connection, honesty, consistency, emotional safety — we rush to slap a name on it, hoping the label will magically create a container that we’re too afraid to define out loud.

But a label can’t hold what hasn’t been spoken.
And it can’t replace mutual clarity.

Strip Away the Label — What’s Left?

Imagine taking away the label entirely.
No title. No structure. Just two humans.

Ask yourself:

  • How am I showing up?
  • What am I offering?
  • What do I actually need and want?
  • Is it worth continuing or even starting if we are not aligned with our dealbreakers?

That’s where the real work begins.

In the Proactive Needs & Boundaries Method, I don’t start with what you want from a relationship.
I start with what you need from yourself:
Your dealbreakers, needs, wants, and offerings — the Four Pillars of Needs.
That’s your internal foundation.

When you know that, you stop bending yourself into shapes to be chosen.
You stop calling a connection “confusing” when what’s really happening is that you haven’t claimed your own clarity yet.

The Real Problem: Hidden Expectations

When you chase a label before clarity, you end up holding a stack of silent assumptions:

  • “If we’re sleeping together, we should be exclusive.”
  • “If we’re spending this much time together, I should be a priority.”
  • “If I’m emotionally available, they should be too.”

But have you asked for that?
Named it?
Do they even know?

Did they ever agree to it?

Expectations without communication breed resentment.
And resentment without ownership creates disconnection.

A Different Way to Connect

You don’t need to force a title to feel seen.
You need to show up in your truth, with your own clarity about what you’re offering and what you require.

When two people meet with that kind of self-awareness, labels become optional.
The relationship becomes a reflection of the clarity they bring, not the label they cling to.

This isn’t about settling for breadcrumbs.
It’s about naming your truth clearly enough that the connection either deepens, or reveals it’s not aligned.
Either way, you’re empowered.

This Isn’t Just About Situationships

This dynamic shows up in every kind of relationship, not just the undefined ones.

Marriage. Partnership. Friendship. Colleagues.

When we lean too hard on the label, we stop asking real questions:

  • “What do I actually need in this connection right now?”
  • “Have I communicated that and have they agreed to provide it?”
  • “Are we still in mutual alignment?”

Being married doesn’t mean your needs are being met.
Having a “title” doesn’t mean you’re seen, heard, or valued.
A label can give you structure, but only clarity can give you connection.

Here’s Your Invitation

Stop asking “What are we?”
Start asking:

  • What do I want to offer here?
  • What do I need in return?
  • Is this mutual?

The goal here isn’t to make your needs someone else’s job, it’s to understand them so well that you stop outsourcing your wellbeing to people who are unavailable, unwilling, or unclear. You don’t ask to be rescued, you ask with clarity, and you take responsibility for what happens next.

The answers might not be easy, but they’ll be real.
And real is where safety lives.

Not in the label.
Not in the hope.
But in the clarity between two people meeting as equals.

Want to Get Clear First?

If you’ve been bending, waiting, or wondering, start here….

Join the next 90-minute workshop to learn how to name your needs without shame, defence, or game-playing.

You’re not “too much.”
You’re just unfamiliar with you.
Let’s change that.

Much love

Lyndal…

xx